The previous religions had a whole lot of gods. We made gods for each single factor we thought is likely to be highly effective or vital. We noticed thunder rolling over the clouds, and we made gods of thunder. We noticed the waves of the ocean crash into the shoreline, and we made gods of water.

However we didn’t cease there. There are different gods that by no means turned fairly as fashionable as Zeus and Poseidon. We’ve made gods for nearly every thing you may think about—together with some gods you’d by no means have guessed we wanted.

10 Cardea
The Roman Goddess Of Door Hinges


“Goddess of the hinge!” wrote the Roman author Ovid, praising the nice deity Cardea. “She opens the closed, by her energy, closes the open.”

The goddess Cardea, ruler over all things hinged and upon doorways, isn’t significantly fashionable at the moment, however she was a giant a part of the Roman faith. She wasn’t only a minor deity or luck allure; she was a part of the Roman pantheon of gods, full together with her personal mythological backstory.

Like most Roman tales, her story begins with the god Janus attempting to have intercourse with someone. He focused Cardea, who wasn’t into it, so she informed him that she would meet him in a cave. Then she used magical vanishing powers and tried to run away.

It didn’t work. Janus discovered her, after which—properly, you don’t actually need to know what occurred subsequent. Let’s simply say that Roman myths generally tend to not prove properly for ladies.

When he was accomplished together with her, Janus declared, “In return for our dalliance, be thine the management of hinges.” Then he gave her a magical hawthorn department that repelled evil and declared that folks should eat beans and pork in her honor each June 1—which, apparently, the Romans believed was one of the simplest ways to make a lady really feel particular.

9 Saehrimnir
The Norse Pig Of Everlasting Bacon


As it’s written within the previous Norse Poetic Edda: “Saehrimnir, the boar, is boiled! One of the best of bacons!”

The Norse knew that no faith was full with out divine bacon. In any case, they couldn’t worship gods who settled for the rubbish we mortals eat. The gods wanted divine meals—and that’s the place Saehrimnir is available in. Saehrimnir is the best-tasting pig within the universe—and the one which occurs to have the worst life.

Each night time, the Norse gods boil Saehrimnir’s flesh and eat him. The poor pig is awoken each night time by the return of a bunch of drunken Vikings, who dump him right into a vat of boiling water and maintain a giant feast. He has to place up with all the pantheon of Norse gods ripping off his physique components till they’re full.

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Then, within the morning, he comes back to life and will get killed once more. It’s a horrible life. However on this planet of the Vikings, that’s the worth you pay for being scrumptious.

8 Matshishkapeu
The Innu Spirit Of Farts


Based on the standard beliefs of the Native American Innu folks, spirits communicate to the dwelling. Some speak by way of drums. Others come to us in goals. And considered one of them, Matshishkapeu, speaks to us through farts.

Matshishkapeu, the Innu stated, spoke to them “with nice frequency”—particularly when males had been alone with out ladies. Each fart, they believed, was Matshishkapeu giving them a message.

A sudden fart required rapid translation. If somebody let one slip, an elder must rush over to let everybody know what the fart gave the impression of. Typically, although, that was simpler stated than accomplished.

“Matshishkapeu’s utterances are normally cryptic,” one Innu hunter stated. “You must focus arduous with the intention to perceive what’s being stated.”

7 Xochipilli
The Aztec God Of Homosexual Prostitutes


Plenty of religions have gods of homosexuality, however the Aztecs received a bit extra particular. It wasn’t sufficient for them to have a god of homosexual males; they wanted a god for the homosexual males who’ve intercourse for cash. And so Xochipilli got here to be.

Xochipilli was extra than simply the god of gigolos—he was truly multipurpose. He was additionally referred to as The Prince of Flowers. “Flowers,” although, doesn’t appear to have meant roses or daisies. As a substitute, it meant flowers that might get you excessive.

His statues had been coated with psychoactive flowers and mushrooms. The statues additionally confirmed him with a facial features that made it clear that he was completely blasted out of his mind.

Which means he wasn’t simply the god of homosexual prostitutes—he was the god of hallucinogens, too.

6 The World Pantheon Of Poop Gods


There have been gods of poop, too. However there have been so many who it’s arduous to slim it right down to a single faith. Japan in all probability went the furthest with it—they made an entire pantheon of poop gods and spirits.

However they weren’t the one ones. The Chinese language had Zigu, the goddess of poop. Ladies may depart a picture of Zigu by the bathroom, and in return for his or her devotion, she would reply their questions.

The Babylonians had Shed Wager ha-Kise, a vengeful toilet god who cursed anybody who had intercourse close to a bathroom by giving them epilepsy. And the Romans truly had two such gods. They’d Sterquilinus, an unusual god of manure, and Cloacina, the goddess of the sewer system.

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5 Sapona
The Yoruban God Of Smallpox


The Yoruba folks of West Africa believed in Sapona, the god of smallpox. Towards the tip of the nineteenth century, Sapona had an entire cult worshiping him. However they had been a lot happier about what he did than they need to have been.

Sapona’s cult extorted cash from folks by threatening to curse them. If somebody didn’t pay up, cult members went over to that particular person’s home and scraped smallpox scabs on the particular person. Alternatively, the cult powdered the scabs and rubbed them everywhere in the particular person’s home windows.

When docs started to vaccinate folks towards the illness, the cult of Sapona noticed it as their divine obligation to cease the vaccinations. They threatened folks and ran energetic campaigns to maintain smallpox alive. Till the cult was taken down, they began a whole lot of main epidemics.

4 Terminus
The Roman God Of Mileposts


Terminus was one of many very first gods created by the Romans. He was the god of landmarks and of the stones positioned by Romans on boundary traces—and he was to not be crossed.

His stones had been referred to as termini, and for those who moved one, you had been in bother. The second you pushed a terminus misplaced, each particular person in Rome had the authorized proper to hunt you down and murder you.

Merely dying, although, was a fortunate destiny for somebody who angered Terminus. The inscriptions on his stones promised one thing even worse: “Whosoever shall take away this, or shall order it to be taken away, might he die the final of his household.”

3 Tlazolteotl
The Aztec Goddess Of Consuming Filth


In art work, Tlazolteotl is normally depicted with brown round her mouth. She is, in spite of everything, the divine filth eater of the Aztec gods. That “filth,” although, wasn’t stuff that you simply discovered on the bottom; it was a euphemism. Tlazolteotl was the eater of divine excrement.

There’s a proof for this one that truly makes much more sense than you’d count on. Tlazolteotl, the Aztecs believed, was the divine being who ate all waste. That included the decaying bodies of the lifeless, fruit, greens, and sure, excrement. She was the goddess of decomposition. Nonetheless, it’s slightly bizarre that the Aztecs worshiped a goddess who spent her time consuming feces.

She had a second job that makes issues a bit higher. In what might need been a uncommon stroke of Aztec generosity, in addition they made her the goddess of steam baths—which she in all probability may have used in spite of everything that.

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2 Kalfu
The Haitian God Of Intersections


“God of Intersections” sounds type of tacky, however Kalfu is definitely a terrifying god. He’s the Haitian Vodou (aka Voodoo) equal of Devil. Though he technically guidelines over intersections, it’s in additional of a “satan on the crossroads” type of approach than a “look forward to the inexperienced gentle to go” type of approach.

Kalfu is a crimson, demonic beast who drinks rum infused with gunpowder to cross the time. He controls the evil forces of the spirit world and the malevolent spirits of the night time. He’s a demonic creature who possesses folks and controls the passage of spirits into the true world.

All that accountability for an intersections god makes Vodou distinctive. When the Haitians had been in search of their strongest gods, they didn’t look to the Solar, the Moon, the Earth, or the ocean. They appeared on the intersections.

1 The Unknown God
The Greek God Of Miscellany


To make it possible for they didn’t depart something out, the Greeks got here up with one further god: The Unknown God, or the god of every thing they forgot to say. This was a kind of placeholder god who was used for every thing they hadn’t thought up but.

They began worshiping the unknown god after Athens was hit by a plague. Irrespective of what number of animals they ritually slaughtered, the plague didn’t go away—and ritually slaughtering animals was all they knew find out how to do.

So the Greeks tried one thing a bit completely different. They despatched a flock of sheep right into a area, made an altar to all of the miscellaneous, unspecific gods, and slaughtered the sheep, hoping that this act would appease whichever god they’d by no means heard of.


Mark Oliver

Mark Oliver is an everyday contributor to Listtopick. His writing additionally seems on quite a lot of different websites, together with The Onion”s StarWipe and His web site is usually up to date with every thing he writes.

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